Power of Denial

Recently, I was reading an email exchange on a bankruptcy lawyers’  Listserv. One attorney mentioned the “five stages of grief” and his client’s struggle through the stages. Most of us probably have experienced these five stages sometime in our life. When a traumatic event happens, such as a loss of a job, divorce, loss in stock market, death of a spouse, etc. It’s natural to go through these stages.

Here are the five stages of progression.

  1. Denial – “I’ll avoid opening the mail, answer my phone, just ignore it.” “It can’t be that bad.” “Something will change.” The first stage is only temporary defense.
  2. Anger – “Why is this happening to me?” “It’s so unfair!” “It’s my ex-boss, ex-wife, ex-husband, children’s fault.” Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue.
  3. Bargaining – “Maybe I can wait until next year.” “Maybe if I just pay the monthly minimum payment, it will get better.” The third state involves the hope that individual can somehow postpone or delay the situation.
  4. Depression – “I’m so sad, why bother with anything.” “There is no way out.” During this stage, the person begins to understand the certainty of his or her circumstance.
  5. Acceptance – “It’s going to be okay.” “There is a solution.” In this last stage, the individual comes to terms with the reality of his or her situation.”

Source: Kübler-Ross model (From Wikipedia)

I meet with many people that remain in the denial stage for a long time and hoping that something will change. Maybe he will get a big bonus, or win the lotto, or will find a better paying job. Oftentimes, the client will go on for months or years, hoping that the situation will magically change. Of course, most often, it does not. In the meantime, the client is burning through his precious resources to stay afloat.

It’s similar to a tooth decay. I have for years avoided going to the dentist. I had tooth aches but I just thought “Oh, it’s nothing. I’m fine.” (Denial.) When the pain became unbearable, I finally went to the dentist. As expected, the news was not good. I needed several fillings but (good news was) I did not need a root canal… yet. I was angry – at myself, and at the dentist.

At that moment, I had a choice. Go and fix the problem, once-and-for-all, or continue to live in denial and face a more painful and costly root canal down the line. Of course, had I gone to the dentist sooner, I may have been able to avoid some of the cavities as well.

Similarly, financial problems don’t get better by itself. You must be proactive and deal with it in order for it to get better. So, don’t delay. Take action today.

Disclaimer: Unfortunately, it is impossible to give legal advice over the internet, no matter how well researched or written. Before relying on any information I give, contact a lawyer to discuss your particular situation. I am a San Francisco bankruptcy attorney. The information given is based on California law.

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